Oscar Time Yet Again! Who Wins Yet Again? Who Loses Yet Again?

Aw geez, what in the, I don't... you can't be... THIS again??

Well, mistakenly thinking that humanity got all of this nonsense out of their system last year after the one-two punch of Whatserface and Whoever hosting the last Celebrity Backslap Festival, I wasn't really expecting there to be much to this year's "celebration".

However, what with Billy Crystal back to be host like 99.9% of humanity wanted since he left, maybe this year will be better - and by better I mean "bearable to watch".

...can you sense that I'm not an Oscar fan?

Not one for seeing actors acting all surprised that humanity really really likes them, I'm not all for watching a seven-to-eight hour celebration of all things smarmy live from Golden Statue Guy Central.

I've better things to do... speaking of which, I'm sure I have to watch my hair that night... but as I proved the last couple of times I did this, I seem to have an uncanny knack for choosing these things.

And no, not the winner... I mean THE LOSERS.

(alright, alright - I knew this would come up!  So last year I misjudged the director winner/loser - who would have guessed that Tom Hooper would have won anything?  I mean, come on - Tom Hooper??  So I was off on that one, so what?  IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.)

So with that out of the way, let me get to Oscar night's big losers:

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BEST PICTURE

The Artist
 
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
 
The Help
 
Hugo
 
Midnight in Paris
 
Moneyball
 
The Tree of Life
 
War Horse

The Descendants - Okay, this one is actually pretty much of a no-brainer; we have a whole bunch of high-prestige pics here by high-prestige directors.  Then we have George Clooney in Hawaii.  Let's face it: he hasn't had that much luck of a lucky streak.  Besides which, I thought he gave "the performance of his career" with that Up In The Air flick of his.  As far as an award-winner goes, ...meh, prolly not.

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BEST ACTOR

George Clooney (The Descendants)

Jean Dujardin (The Artist)

Gary Oldman (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy)

Brad Pitt (Moneyball)

Demián Bichir (A Better Life) - I think it's a safe bet that any actor, when put up alongside Gary Oldman, will be left wanting.  Just ask Christian Bale.  But even next to Clooney and Pitt, it's gonna be a popularity contest.  And between the lesser-knowns here this time, I think the smart money will be to bet on the film that most people have actually heard of.  Show of hands; who here has actually seen A Better Life at the multiplex downtown next to Piggly Wiggly?  There ya go.  Sorry, Demián.

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BEST ACTRESS

Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs)

Viola Davis (The Help)

Rooney Mara (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)

Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady)

Michelle Williams (My Week With Marilyn) - okay, now let's look at it this way; we have big-time callbacks in Close and Streep, and even a huge breakthrough with Mara.  I could have gone and said that Davis had no chance, but would have undermined how good a job she actually did.  With Williams, the only person who actually won That Award for impersonating another actor was Martin Landau doing his Bela Lugosi imitation.  Michelle... well, let's just say that she's no Martin Landau.











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BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Kenneth Branagh (My Week With Marilyn)

Nick Nolte (Warrior)

Christopher Plummer (Beginners)

Max von Sydow (Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close)

Jonah Hill (Moneyball) - Jonah, come here a sec, buddy.  Look over there.  You see Kenneth, Nick, Chris and Max over there?  You see what they're doing?  Yeah, they're looking at you.  See what else they're doing?  Yeah... they're shaking their heads.  Know why?  'Cause they're realizing they're sharing a list with the kid who was in Superbad and Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  Sorry buddy.  Maybe next... uh... six or seven years from now, maybe?











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BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Bérénice Bejo (The Artist)

Jessica Chastain (The Help)

Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids)

Octavia Spencer (The Help)

Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs) - Who?  yeah, I haven't heard of her either.  And I usually don't let that bother me, but in this case, there's something about Janet that just makes me think that maybe she shouldn't be on this list of nominees.  Maybe it's the look on her face that says, "ehhh, okayyyy, why am I here??" - good question, Jan.













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BEST DIRECTOR

Michel Hazanavicius (The Artist)

Alexander Payne (The Descendants)

Martin Scorcese (Hugo)

Terrence Malick (The Tree of Life)

Woody Allen (Midnight in Paris) - Oh no I di'int!  Oh yes I did!  Woody films are great, and I think he is one of the great living directors when it comes to comedies and romantic films in general.  I even liked Crimes And Misdemeanors (remember that one?) - but up against Scorcese and Malick and Hazavazakaza... that guy who did The Artist, the competition is exceptionally tough this year and though my track record was tarnished last year by my Director choice... but this year I'm pretty confident... even if I chose Payne, I'd think "sorry Woody - you know we love ya".










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BEST ANIMATED FILM

Chico & Rita

Kung Fu Panda 2

Puss in Boots

Rango

A Cat in Paris - What's this??  A year without a Pixar movie in the offing??  That's like going to the beach and not getting sand in something.  So to speak.  But it seems as if the offerings all seem to be on an even keel this year - and we have TWO Dreamworks products to choose from this time out!  Could this be their year?  Who knows; all I do know is it's not the year for an average French animated flick.  It just don't wash, mon ami.











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Well, here we go then.  Let's take these predictions to the bank and see what kind of interest we draw.  See you in a month, nom noms.

Dope out.

- TGWD